…Jesus, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr. were great leaders. They had control of virtually no one, yet their influence changed the course of history.
Michael Hyatt, Former CEO – Thomas Nelson Publishers
We all know the feeling. It’s the gut-felt twinge of impending loss. It’s the fear associated with giving up a person or group, handing over a project and forfeiting a decision within our span of control. It’s often a familiar scene as we watch other leaders, and sometimes even see ourselves, slip into the sinkhole of control.
Do You Want Influence or Control?
What most leaders really want is to influence others, which is earned from power. We want to be empowered and to empower others. Often this journey is filled with the temptation to keep or take control of any number of situations within our line of sight. However, grabbing more control doesn’t pave the road to power, and here’s why.
The need for control is born from insecurity and fear. When a leader’s source of energy is based on fear of loss, it’s about the leaders’ needs – not what is best for others or the organization. To fill this inner void, leaders strive to have more meetings, larger teams, a different reporting relationship, or more decision rights – at their gain yet at the expense of others. This is a myth because you can’t truly control anyone but yourself.
The more we attempt to increase our control, the more resistance we receive. Many of us have felt this as parents. As often said in sales circles, “People don’t like to be sold, they like to buy.” Whether in a personal or professional realm, trying to force control over an area or person produces the opposite of the desired effect. Potential allies and champions can become undesired adversaries.
Control is situational. It’s a reaction to drive a specific behavior or outcome. One issue at a time, a controlling leader works to manipulate the desired result. Power is pervasive. It transcends having to micro-manage or achieve a one and done motive. However, when a leader has earned the right to influence, the impact is predetermined at a visionary level. There’s a strategic and cultural stickiness that seldom wavers.
Gaining Influence
Do you see yourself in any of the above descriptions? Would having more influence up your leadership quotient? These three steps will start you on your way:
1- Focus on improving yourself. Recognize the best and most influential leaders are vulnerable and engage in development and career long learning practices. Modeling at this level demonstrates a depth of humility to others that is attractive and alluring.
2- Nurture all relationships, not just the ones perceived to advance control. Often there is a misallocation of effort as an attempt to gain the favor of only the top leaders. Genuine interaction with others across the entire organization is crucial. Focusing on helping others at all levels get what they want will lead to the ability to influence others.
3- Believe in and practice the law of abundance. Let go by trusting there is enough for everyone– enough work, enough recognition and enough room at the table for power and influence. The supply is ample and available to those who are wise enough to give up control to gain it.
In order to have influence, you have to be willing to be influenced.
Stephen Covey
One simple and free act can be a difference-maker in whether someone chooses to stay or leave – and, it’s not the pay, promotions or the perks necessarily. We can stop worrying about the color of the sweatshirt, the amount of the gift card and the style of the coffee mugs. In Fortune’s annual study of the 100 Best Places to Work, some of the comments from employees who were surveyed communicate clearly that staying is about knowing, “my work has special meaning”, “I make a difference here,” and confidently stating, “When I look at what we accomplish, I feel a sense of pride.” (
As I work with current and emerging leaders in pre-rapid growth organizations, this is a recurring theme in many of my meetings. Leaders aren’t giving regular, ongoing feedback to their team members. Or, the leaders themselves are craving kudos or thanks for extra effort or even keeping the wheels on the bus during fast-paced growth periods. Team members simply want feedback – good or bad – to get a sense of where they are and how they need to improve to get to the next level of improved performance.
Thirty minutes into a 10 minute agenda item, boredom and frustration kicked in mightily among the group. The presenter had been told she had a maximum of 10 minutes for a “brief summary overview” of a project. This person was seasoned, and smart, so she had to know the word brief meant “of short duration.” The words summary and overview were also strong clues. Yet at 3 times the allotted limit, she was still going.
How can we all become better at being brief?
We don’t have to be Einstein to know the importance of asking the right questions. The late 
· ACTIVE LISTENING is one of the four key identifiers of high emotional intelligence (Inc., May 2017).
This concept can also translate to professional and working relationships. Is anyone else noticing that follow through and follow up are increasingly becoming amiss? What’s causing this? Are certain individuals prone to the pattern based on their situation or style?
Aggressively use and honor your calendar. Have you promised someone you would follow up next month? Put it on your calendar right then. We’re all wired continuously, so there are no excuses.
However, healthy creativity, can unfold in many ways in any functional area. Most everyone can unleash this skill when they allow themselves the opportunity.
At the beginning of each year, many feel internal and/or external pressure to make the traditional New Year’s resolutions. Those arguing resolutions are too esoteric may pen more measurable and realistic aspirations, or goals. Some opt out of the ritual altogether. Whatever camp you’re in, let me suggest changing up or even expanding upon your approach for this year.
This year my word is MEaningful. As I turn 55, I don’t want to waste any more time on situations or issues that don’t bear significance and true meaning for what’s important to ME. The freedom to decide where I do and don’t invest my time feels liberating as a new chapter will be written this year. Since time is an “appreciable asset,” it is increasingly becoming one of my most important.
As we read most any business publication, watch 
To honor the integrity of culture, we must all walk the talk, as the old saying goes. It’s not only what we claim about culture, it’s about what we do at the inner-most tactical levels of the organization – whether it’s driving financials or any other metrics by which we define and measure success.
In one firm, this act is believed in and passionately embraced and lived out by the top leader. He epitomizes grace and embraces the concept with most every action. How does it show up? By giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, by believing at his core his team wants to do their best, and that their mistakes are a blessing and necessity in improving their climb toward more personal and organizational growth. He is vulnerable and transparent, humbly admitting his own mistakes first, and confessing when he doesn’t have the answer. He seems to be forever grateful, positive and kind. Everyone who knows him professes his essence as true, unadulterated leadership at the core.
What have I concluded? Grace is not reserved for spiritual contextualization only. It is meant to be in the trenches with us every day – in life and at work. To truly honor ourselves and others we have to live from grace. It’s an ongoing act that needs to show up over and over again. Show me a top leader that practices grace, and I’ll show you the healthiest of organizational cultures with thriving leaders and team members, loyalty of all stakeholders as well as long term and sustainable financial results.